January 14 Food & Reflections

Cottage Cheese, Nonfat, 0.5 cup (not packed)
62 - calories
1 - carbs
0 - fat
13 - protein


Teriyaki Turkey Jerky, 1.5 oz
120 - calories
6 - carbs
1- fat
23 - protein


Taco Bell Pintos 'n Cheese, 1 serving
150 - calories
19 - carbs
6 - fat
9 - protein


Vegetable Soup, 1 cup
145 - calories
24 - carbs
4 - fat
4 - protein


NABISCO, Reduced Fat Ritz Crackers, 1 serving
14 - calories
2 - carbs
0 - fat
0 - protein


Jif Creamy Peanut Butter, reduced fat, 1.5 tbsp
143 - calories
11 - carbs
9 - fat
6 - protein


Kraft Free American Cheese Singles, 1 slice
31 - calories
2 - carbs
0 - fat
5 - protein


Diet Peach Tea, 1 cup
5 - calories
1 - carbs
0 - fat
0 - protein


Sugar Free Kool-Aid, 16 oz
10 - calories
0 - carbs
0 - fat
0 - protein


Totals:
679 - calories (low)
67 - carbs ( low)
21 - fat (high)
59 - protein (low)

Reflections:
I should have had a protein shake instead of the peanut butter crackers for my last snack to kick up my protein. It likely wouldn'tve gotten it high enough to meet 65 g., but it would have gotten it closer. Otherwise, upon reflection of my food, I was comfortably full and don't feel that I needed more then I had despite my calories being under my average goal. And I know the carbs being under my goal average isn't bad either. But I need to throw in one protein shake a day if I'm going to be eating less in quantity in the day and will likely throw in a protein supplement int he evening snack if I notice the protein level blow the goal and am unable to pull it high enough with whatever it is I have decided to eat.
I didn't get any good exercise. I did appointment running around type stuff, walked through the dollar store for maybe fifteen minutes, but my goal is 30 minutes of exercise, so I didn't meet my goal. I know a little extra activity it good, but I still want to get to my goal of 30 minutes daily.

Meds & Vitamins:
Multivitamin: 1x (supposed to take twice)
B-Complex: 0 (waiting on order, which projected arrival date is Wednesday)
B12: 1x
Calcium: 0 (waiting on order, which is yet to be shipped)
Geodon: 0 (had every intetion of taking but fell asleep and woke too late to take it)
Lexapro: 1x

I also had an emotional stint here a bit ago while I was online talking to a good friend. She said I compare to her situations too much and she never knows how bad it'll be. But in all honesty, that isn't what I was doing. At least not on purpose. My intention in sharing what I've endured compared to hers is to show her that I genuinely understand her pain, not to compare how much worse I had it as opposed to her. I wanted her to know I really did understand what she was talking about, not just talking shit in saying that I understood. I hate when people say they understand and really don't, so for me, I feel if I share what I've endured after they share the same, I'm showing them that I truly understand as I say I do. I honestly had my heart in a good place. I had good intentions. When she said that, my heart shattered right there. As weird as this sounds, my fingers are froze after that. I tend to react physically after something like that. I don't know why. But I do, on some way or form. I nearly cried. It isn't that I didn't want to, it's that I held back. I felt that bad. It's rare I do something that I feel has hurt someone so bad that I need to cry to feel a little better. I honestly never did what I did to hurt her. I'd never ever do that. I'm just not that way. But...good news in all this is, I'm not allowing myself to eat yet. It's not time for me to eat, so I'm sitting here with my glass of SF Kool-Aid and just drinking away instead. I still feel so very badly for what I've caused her to feel though. I can't even bring myself to talk to her right now. I just feel so badly for how I've caused her to feel when I know she's having a very difficult time right now. I think I'll let her come to me on her own now. She needs her time to recover of this. I'm not going to share with her my past situations anymore, even if it is in good intentions. I don't want to upset and hurt her as I have. I told her I was sorry and explained why I did it and that my heart was in the right place. I put the ball in her court, basically, just like the 12 steps teaches. I've been through the 12 steps for compulsive eating and while it didn't help with that behavior, it did teach me some valuable things along the way, one being to make ammends as soon as you can and put the ball back in that person's court, to clean up your side of the street and let it be. Well, I'm attempting my very best to do that, to not let this emotionaly situation affect my eating. It's okay to feel bad for what happened, even if my heart was in the right place. It's okay to cry about it even. But it's not okay to eat over it and I won't. I want to establish good habits in this first year post-op, and it has to start right where I'm at. I can't justify grazing when I'm not supposed to. If I was genuinely hungry, it'd be different if I had a snack. I've done it. But I know what hungry feels like finally, and what I feel isn't hungry. It's emotional pain and I want to cope the way I always have and I refuse to do that. It's not worth giving up my health again and never will be. Bad things are going to come up on me. But I won't allow those bad things to control and dictate how and what I eat anymore. I'm now eating to live, not living to eat, and that's the way I need to keep my mindset. I won't allow myself to stray. I'm so cold again. I need to go lay in bed where we have a heater in our room on top of the wood stove running and my dryer running. (I have clothes drying yet). I'll be okay. My mind is in the right spot. But I'm just a bit sad for what happened between my friend and I. Somehow we always get through our spots like this (it's happened before), so I know this too will pass, but until it does, I'll worry if she's going to stay upset with me. I need to let her overcome her feelings on this, and she needs to truly understand how sorry I really am and I can't tell her anymore how sorry I am because I already did. No amount of me repeating myself is going to help her understand or see that and I have to accept that. I'll be okay. I know I will be.